Snowball Effect/transcript

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 * [The episode begins with live-action footage of icebergs appearing.]
 * Narrator: Ah, observe the majesty of the mighty iceberg. [scene fades to a block of ice falling into the water] This frozen giant, normally found floating in polar regions, can sometimes [Bikini Bottom Atoll is shown.] stray into warmer waters, causing dramatic changes in climate [An iceberg floats next to the island. The scene changes to show a wide shot of Bikini Bottom. Snow is shown falling.] for tropical, undersea life.
 * [It starts to snow harder. Eventually, Bikini Bottom is blanketed in show. Johnny Elaine appears wearing a snow hat.]
 * Johnny Elaine: Yes, it seems Old Man Winter paid us a visit late last night, and he brought with him not a pillow or a sheet, [A street in downtown Bikini Bottom is shown.] but a blanket... a blanket of snow! [Jellyfish Fields and its sign are shown covered in snow.] Yes, from Jellyfish Fields... [A jellyfish floats by. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs' house.] to residential abodes... [The scene changes to show a traffic light changing from "go" to "stop" then back to "go."]to bustling downtown... [SpongeBob's pineapple is shown.]it's nothing but the white stuff.
 * [The scene shows a close up shot of SpongeBob's door. SpongeBob opens it and he and Gary are shown.]
 * SpongeBob: Whoopee!
 * Johnny Elaine: And local residents are taking notice! [SpongeBob and Gary put on their Santa hats.]
 * [The scene pans through Jimmy Gus making a snow fish, a snow whale, two kids making a snow mermaid, and Mr. Krabs making a snow dollar. The scene changes to show Mrs. Puff walking to her boat. She puffs up and blows the snow off. She gets in and drives past the show that was previously on her boat. Fred pops out and shakes his "fist".]
 * Fred: Hey!
 * Abigail Marge: Hey Nat.
 * Nat Peterson: And Abigail Marge.
 * Nathiel Waters: Let's check, citizens.
 * [A wide shot of the Chum Bucket is shown. A close shot of the doors is shown. Plankton opens the door.]
 * Plankton: [walks outside the Chum Bucket] What's this? Drops of rain frozen into ice crystals? I shall harness their energy and rule the world! [He laughs evilly, but a bunch of snow falls on top of him.] Ahh... oh, stop! I wish to rule you! [he is now buried in snow.]
 * Karen: Plankton?
 * [The scene changes to show Patrick. He has an idea]
 * Patrick: Snow angel! [laughs while on the ground flapping his arms and legs. He stands up. He looks behind him to see a circle.] Oh... [a snowball hits him in the side of the head] Hey! [SpongeBob whistles]Thanks a lot, SpongeBob! While you were just standing there whistling, someone threw a snowball at me!
 * SpongeBob: Oh, really, Patrick? [giggles] Did the snowball look like this? [Throws another snowball. This one hitting Patrick's eyes]
 * Patrick: Yeah. [SpongeBob laughs. Patrick runs over to SpongeBob] This is serious, SpongeBob. Someone's after me. I think I better leave town.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, I threw it. We're having a snowball fight. Don't you get it?
 * Patrick: Snowball fight? I want to play! I want to play!
 * SpongeBob: Well, first, you have to make a snowball.
 * Patrick: Oh, yeah. A snowball. [bends down and starts making a snowball] Oh, this is gonna be great! [shows his snowball but it's a cube] Huh? [tries making another snowball but it's a rectangular pyramid]Wha...? [tries making another snowball but it's DNA] Aw...! SpongeBob, could you help me make a snowball?
 * SpongeBob: Sure, pal. [makes a snowball and hands it to Patrick]
 * Patrick: Thanks, buddy. [throws it at SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick! How could you?
 * Patrick: It's a snowball fight, remember?
 * SpongeBob: Oh yeah. [they stare at each other then run back to their forts they made out of snow. They start to throw lots of snowballs at each other. Scene pans up then cuts to inside of Squidward's house where Squidward is sitting by the fire with slippers on each tentacle]
 * Squidward: Ah, yes. Warm fire, cozy slippers, and a piping hot cup of tea with a lemon wedge. [he picks up the lemon wedge, then squirts lemon juice in his eye, which is now twitching] Why do I even bother? [Banging is heard outside. He looks outside to see SpongeBob and Patrick building snow forts as we hear construction noises] Would you two please keep it down?!
 * SpongeBob: Squidward! You're just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and together we'll defeat the Pink Menace!
 * Patrick: That's me!
 * SpongeBob: I can start you off as a buck private, but with hard work, perhaps you can rise through the ranks and become a regular private!
 * Squidward: Thanks, but no, thanks, Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me. [snickers] Got 'em Both. [notices a snowball flying at him, so he ducks. The snowball puts out his fire] Grrrrrrrr! [Squidward closes his window]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, you fool! This was over before it started! I will now consider your unconditional surren-... [a snowball hits him in the face, sending him into the snow. He then drowns in it] ...-der. [Patrick laughs hysterically] So that's how he wants it to go down. [takes off his Santa hat, revealing a funnel under it. Scoops up snow in the funnel and puts it on his head. He jumps up on his fort, takes a deep breath, and starts shooting snowballs at Patrick very fast]
 * Patrick: Huh? [as snowballs pile on him. He then stands up, revealing a bunch of snowballs lined up on his forehead] Ha! You missed me! [SpongeBob shoots more snow into Patrick's mouth. Slow motion occurs then resumes to normal speed. Patrick swallows the snowballs and blows out cold breath. A gun cocks and SpongeBob fires more snowballs and this time the snowballs get stuck in his mouth]
 * SpongeBob: Score one for the boys back home! [Patrick walks up to Squidward's house and knocks on his door]
 * Squidward: Yes? Oh, Patrick. [Patrick is still choking] What an unpleasant surprise. Oh, boy, nothing like a game of charades. [Patrick swallows the snowballs]
 * Patrick: [in one breath] I was trying to tell you that I was choking on snow, but the snow melted and turned into water, and I drank all the water, now I'm better.
 * Kid Narrator: Patrick should be better now...
 * Squidward: Fascinating. [he slams the door] Now, where was I? [Patrick knocks on the door again] What?
 * Patrick: [dancing around] Can I use your bathroom?
 * Squidward: Patrick, go use your own bathroom.
 * Patrick: I don't think I can make it! Please?
 * Squidward: No.
 * Patrick: Please?
 * Squidward: No.
 * Patrick: Please?
 * Squidward: No.
 * Patrick: Please!
 * Squidward: Okay, make it quick.
 * Patrick: [Pause] That's okay. [Squidward widens his eyes]
 * SpongeBob: Aha! Aiding the enemy! I've caught you red-handed, Squidward!
 * Squidward: Look, SpongeBob, I was just... [SpongeBob throws a snowball at Squidward but he ducks and it lands in his fire again, putting it out] SpongeBob! Oh... [picks up a snowball. SpongeBob shrieks]
 * Patrick: Yay! Squidward's on my side!
 * Squidward: I most certainly am not!
 * SpongeBob: Then that means he's on my side!
 * Squidward: No, SpongeBob, I'm not on your side either. I'm on nobody's side. Snowball fights are for immature children and I will not stoop to your level. [drops the snowball] If you two want to knock each other's brains out with snowballs, kindly leave me out of it. [walks back inside and slams the door]
 * Patrick: Come on, SpongeBob, let's go knock each other's brains out!
 * SpongeBob: I'm ready!
 * Squidward: Hmm... [imagines Patrick throwing a snowball at SpongeBob, knocking his brain out]
 * SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, it's out.
 * Squidward: [snickers] Now there's something I'd actually like to see! [takes a chair up to one of his windows] Nothing wrong with getting a front-row seat, I suppose. [snickers] Ahh. What's this? [SpongeBob and Patrick are shaking hands] Wha... I... no! [walks back outside] What are you doing? You're supposed to be [punches the right side of his head] knocking each other's brains out!
 * SpongeBob: We signed a peace treaty, Squidward. [Patrick shows treaty] You were right, fighting is for children.
 * Squidward: No, no, no, I misled you, it's for adults too! Give me that peace treaty! [rips the treaty into pieces] There! Let the war continue!
 * SpongeBob: Squidward, that wasn't the peace treaty. That was a copy of the peace treaty.
 * Squidward: Look, you two are giving up too easily. Now, Patrick, pretend I'm SpongeBob.
 * Patrick: And who am I?
 * Squidward: You're Patrick.
 * SpongeBob: Can I be Mr. Krabs?
 * Squidward: No! Wait, why?
 * SpongeBob: He's a good leader.
 * Squidward: Would you butt out?!
 * Patrick: Hey, you can't talk to Mr. Krabs like that, Squidward!
 * Squidward: I'm SpongeBob! You're Patrick! [Squidward throws a snowball at Patrick's eyes] Now, what are you going to do? [Patrick throws it back at Squidward hitting his eyes] Patrick, why didn't you hit SpongeBob?
 * Patrick: You said you were SpongeBob, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: [imitating Mr. Krabs] Argh! It's true, Mr. Squidward! Now get back to work! [laughs in his regular voice]
 * Squidward: [silently] Oh, boy. All right, I can see where this is going. Let's just say for all intents and purposes that I, Squidward, am now part in this war. Now...
 * SpongeBob: If you're in this war, then where's your fort?
 * Squidward: I don't have one, okay? Now...
 * Patrick: You got to have a fort, Squidward.
 * SpongeBob: Forts win wars, Squidward.
 * Squidward: [growls] Okay, fine! You want a fort? [makes a small snow fort] There. There's your fort! Now...
 * Patrick: That fort's too small, Squidward.
 * Squidward: It's okay, Patrick. It's just a demonstration. Now...
 * SpongeBob: He's right, Squidward. That thing would never protect you. It's downright puny.
 * Squidward: Trust me, it's fine. [Patrick throws a snowball at Squidward. He wipes the snow off his face]
 * SpongeBob: See, it is too small.
 * Squidward: Not if I crouch down. I mean, you didn't even give me a chance to crouch down. [crouches down] See? Down here, I am perfectly... [Patrick throws a snowball at Squidward]
 * SpongeBob: Exposed.
 * Squidward: Would you two please... [Patrick throws a snowball at Squidward] ...stop throwing... [Patrick throws another snowball at Squidward] ...snowballs?! [Patrick pauses and throws another snowball at Squidward. Squidward growls and retaliates with a snowball of his own but it puts out his fireplace yet again]
 * SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward returned fire!
 * Patrick: Then it's war!
 * Squidward: No-no... no, wait, wait, wait! [crouches down behind his snow fort] I was just giving a demonstration! [SpongeBob and Patrick throw lots of snowballs at Squidward. Squidward ends up looking like a snowman from all the snowballs that hit him. A hat then falls on his head. He then growls and breaks out of the snowman] All right, that's it! You guys asked for it! [throws a snowball at SpongeBob] I got him! Ha! I got him! [laughs] In your face, SpongeBob! [laughs] This was actually kind of... exciting! Why... I've never felt so alive!
 * Patrick: [laughs] He got you good, SpongeBob! [Squidward throws a snowball at Patrick and then throws lots of snowballs at SpongeBob and Patrick] Take cover! [they crouch down as Squidward continues to throw snowballs]
 * Squidward: [as he throws snowballs and laughs] Take that... I got you... Yeah... oh, I got you... oh, take that... Whoa, I got you that time... Oh yeah... [he starts to throw snowballs rapidly] Incoming! [SpongeBob peeps up and Patrick approaches him, showing his belly button frozen]
 * Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?
 * Patrick: I think Squidward's taking this really seriously. [Squidward's clarinet is wedged in Patrick's forehead] That last one had his clarinet in it.
 * SpongeBob: Hmm... looks like it's time for Plan B. [they both tiptoe away while Squidward continues to throw snowballs. He eventually stops and pants]
 * Squidward: What's going on? The snowballs have stopped falling. I better take advantage of this momentary cease-fire. [notices his fort is a little lopsided and gasps] What? My left flank is exposed? That bloated starfish is gonna run right through me! [grabs more snow and pats it down] I'll just fix that right now. [laughs] Wait, that makes my north wall a weak spot! Here we go! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [grabs more snow and pats some more on the north side] Oh, oh, oh! But if they attack from the rear, I'm a goner! [he pats snow on the back of the fort] There... Ha-ha! [gasps] But what about the possibility of an aerial attack! [starts digging more snow on his fort. Scene cuts to a few seconds later where Squidward has a gigantic fort, near the top of the tree] I guess that ought to do it! [laughs wildly] Fort Squidward is now all but impenetrable! [laughs more] Now, where are those fools? [snow falls on Squidward's head] Ha! The first shot has been fired! [throws a snowball while more snow falls on his head] Take this, Patrick! [throws another snowball as more snow falls on Squidward] Taste my frozen fury! [throws two snowballs. Zooms out to show the snow from a tree is falling on Squidward's head] Victory is mine! [laughs wildly] Whee! Ha-ha! Well, I got you now! [Squidward keeps throwing snowballs while SpongeBob and Patrick are watching TV and sipping some cocoa]
 * SpongeBob: Did you hear something, Patrick?
 * Patrick: Nope.
 * Man on TV: Get out the snowshoes and the shovels.
 * Man on TV: Get out the snowshoes and the shovels.